Breaking Free from the 'Ghost Mommy' Role

Healing the Feminine Archetype and the Shadow of Family Roles

A longer while ago I wrote in Fading over time about the mommy role I was pushed into. I wrote that me and Christina up to that point had to act like ghosts, like we don't exist. That kept the giant velociraptors at bay. The velociraptors, symbolic of my family and other people’s and societal relentless demands, could only be kept at bay if me and Christina acted like ghosts. If we made ourselves invisible, silent, and non-existent. This ghostly existence reflects how I had to suppress my own identity to avoid being devoured by the emotional demands of my family. We felt that if we claimed our right to exist, with desires and needs, we would be consumed or rejected. It sometimes felt like that is how I had to exist. A ghost and feminine giving station.

The Role of “Ghost Mommy” in Dysfunctional Families

In a dysfunctional family, members often adopt roles to navigate conflict and maintain a semblance of peace. By becoming "ghosts," me and Christina believed that minimizing our presence and needs would prevent conflict and emotional upheaval, particularly as family dynamics were characterized by volatility and emotional demands, next to continual emotional dismissal and abuse. The act of making oneself invisible often leads to the internalization of a false self, where genuine desires and identities are repressed. This can create a significant disconnect between ones true selves and the roles one feels compelled to play.

In such dysfunctional environments, acceptance is often conditional, meaning that love and validation are tied to fulfilling specific roles or expectations. This can lead to a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance regarding family dynamics, as people constantly monitor their behaviour to maintain acceptance. The “ghost mommy” role symbolizes the expectation to provide nurturing and care for others while neglecting ones own needs. The fear of being devoured or rejected being linked to a profound existential fear within the family context. This fear can lead to anxiety and low self-esteem, as individuals feel their worth is contingent on their ability to meet others’ demands rather than being valued for who they are. In dysfunctional family systems, it often falls upon people viewed as capable yet unthreatening, expected to absorb familial turmoil (familial trauma) without reciprocated support. Becoming thus the designated patient, and the one who starts to express the symptoms that are inherent within the dysfunction of the family system.

Numbing, Dissociation, and the Toll on True Identity

Suppressing ones identity and desires often leads to emotional numbing or dissociation. This can manifest as feeling disconnected from ones emotions or as if one is merely going through the motions of life without genuine engagement. The "ghost mommy" role can lead to the perpetuation of dysfunctional relationship patterns in adulthood. People who have experienced this role may struggle with boundaries, often either overextending themselves for others or withdrawing entirely.

This has been a role I was stuck in for a long time. Where at some point I just disengaged from people entirely. As the continuous burden of emotional caretaking and holding onto people’s shadow material became too overwhelming. This has been one main reason of why I had been exploring both the Koryos and Arkteia rite of passage, my long term dedication to Artemis from age fourteen onward, and my deep connection to the feminine and especially Sovereignty Goddess. Whilst the Koryos rite is about nurturing the young Bacchus as a symbol of wholeness and I did these rites, for me the symbol of wholeness has been the Goddess. By trying to embody and connect to the Sovereignty Goddess, I tried to reclaim aspects of my identity that were overshadowed by the "mommy" role imposed on me. This choice allowed me to affirm that I am more than just a caregiver or nurturer, integrating both nurturing and chaotic elements of the Goddess into my self-concept.

Gender, Society, and the Distortion of the Feminine

I always have been both someone deeply compassionate, caring and empathetic about people, though also strong willed, can be assertive and fierce as well. I am a pretty tough cookie in that way, but also a very kind one. Being placed in this ghost mommy role in the past by my dysfunctional family, really changed the general trajectory of my life. Instead of exploring who I was and am, I was stuck in patterns of self-denial of my true being. Caught in roles that despite touching on some essence of who I was, were very inherently limiting and hurtful for a child. Instead of being nurtured or having a mother, I had to be the mommy for everyone else. Looking after my sister as well, such as protecting her from bullies or protecting her from her own weird antics. Which did not lead to good things.

Which was a role my parents should have played. I was just a child and never should have been a mommy, caring for their mental state, that could not handle emotional complexity. Forcing me both in the mommy role, yet denying that I had any capacity for empathy let alone compassion for others. Which had lead to a continual mindfuck between the actual role I was forced into, my emotional reality, and the distorted perceptions they portrayed through familial narratives about me. I was forced to “be there” for others emotionally, without acknowledgment or even a basic validation of my own compassionate nature or needs, essentially denying me of any rightful, positive identity within the family. Instead of receiving nurturing, I became the family’s emotional container, absorbing pain, shadows, and expectations without the freedom to explore my own emotions or values. This “emotional dumping ground” not only kept me hyper-focused on others but also implied that my self-worth was conditional, bound to how well I met these unspoken demands.

Meanwhile outside of the familial reality, the societal reality saw me as feminine, a girl, something “other” that was not “male”. These however are all narratives and conceptions people have that do not reflect ones true inherent nature. As much as distorting the feminine, the Goddess into a mere nurturing figure, or even a witch is a deeply hurtful narrative that hurts many. Which tends to perpetuate within a familial and societal context this eternal mommy giving role onto those pushed into these roles by familial or societal expectations, either consciously or unconsciously.

Sovereignty Goddess and Reclaiming a Complex Identity

The Goddess embodies a fullness that includes both feminine and masculine traits. This integration is crucial for healing, as it allowed me to embrace a more complex identity that transcends traditional gender norms. Rather than rejecting the "mommy" role outright, I could acknowledge its validity (and the validity of the feminine) while also expanding my self-understanding to include strength, authority, and other traditionally masculine qualities associated with the Goddess. Even if Mars-Quirinus is as much an archetype of the Self that I resonate with too. Though he like the Goddess is linked to more than just self-realisation under Bacchus. The Sovereignty Goddess is also a symbol of community health belonging and cohesion. Something I have thoroughly missed within my own lived experience. I had been in this scapegoat and ghost mommy role my entire life, so cut off from such experiences of belonging.

The Goddess's nurturing qualities provided the affirmation I needed, fostering self-acceptance and compassion for the parts of myself that align with caregiving. Such as Christina being there for me as well. This acknowledgment was deeply healing, allowing me to process any feelings of resentment, grief and frustration tied to this imposed role without feeling the need to abandon compassion and caring entirely. As I do not think that compassion, empathy or emotional intelligence are things we should repress or ignore as a man. They are important parts of what make us human. The Goddess archetype, with its non-binary embodiment of strength and compassion, helped heal distortions in my Anima, that were internalized through the early caregiving roles.

With that I had to work through the emotional pain of the ghost role that emotionally made me take on a mommy role for others. This role had to be shed. As it kept me from connecting with my true self. This means mostly to work through the distortions in the Anima for instance (the wounds this symbolic part of you carries) and can be seen through the projections one makes onto the feminine. But really ties into the nurturing ghost role too. Part of this connects to a need to re-empower one self. Think practices where one can express any pent up frustration you have in a healthy way. So to cultivate assertiveness. This also means to allow oneself to take up space emotionally. Reclaim ones needs and desires that got repressed.

Reconnecting with the Emotional and Instinctual Self

Somatic therapy, which focuses on reconnecting mind and body is particularly helpful here, as it reattunes the body’s natural instinctual and emotional responses, which are suppressed in the “ghost” role. It includes practices like grounding, deep breathing, and mindful movement, creating space to feel emotions without judgement and reconnect with desires and boundaries previously sacrificed to fulfill family roles.

This is in essence about reconnecting with both ones emotional self and instinctual self. As ones needs, desires, wants, and even sense of self are communicated through these emotional/instinctual messages from the brain. If one has been in this ghost caretaker role this tends to be cut off. Hence one does not know. As one had to neglect this part of one self. So one has to internalise these "feminine" projected qualities (what one sees as "other") into oneself. Nurture oneself, not others. And one can't think ones way out of it. It is not about thinking, as who one is, is not something merely cognitive but something felt. Same with purpose and what one wants. If one can reconnect with that emotional and instinctual side of oneself by validating this part of one, and working through any emotional pain and trauma related to it (distortions in attitude and repressed emotions), one can reconnect with oneself.