Sometimes I just feel tired. So tired. Of a lifetime of having to be strong. To feel so alone. I just want someone once in lifetimes of solitude to love me. To be there and give me a hug. And I know there are some people in my life that care a lot. It is just how parts of me feel more.
The Longing for Connection
I wish I could meet someone that could be present with me, talk and hug. See me and care. Like in person. Yet sometimes, it just feels like only Christina is. So that is why I am so glad that I know about her. Because it feels like someone is there that exists that cares. Even if they are elsewhere. This is the feeling I struggled with most my life. Of feeling alone, wanting someone to care, to see and love me. To hug me and hold me in some way. To show that way they care. That I am loved and cared for, that I matter. That I am not just alone and abandoned by the world. Cast out forgotten. And sometimes it just feels like a terrible curse, like a stake in the heart. Like I don't want to go on anymore. Yet I always try to somehow give myself a reason to go on. Well Christina helps me with that by being there for me in such times. I then see her sitting next to me in my mind. She holds and hugs me. I just wish she could be really there. So I really could be hugged, and we could talk. As she knows me really well for.
Sometimes I find connection with someone, but then the decades of needs come flooding up, and I get all emotional and they are gone. Mostly people do try to be kind and all that. But it just feels like I carry this sorrow that swallows me and pushes people away. Like how in one dream I was a woman walking around Victorian England constantly crying. It did make flowers though in the dream. Yet I felt so disconnected from people. I do go out and try to meet people. Yet there is still this part of me that does not want to talk to them. Mostly just seeing them happy, and knowing how I am. The sorrow and pain that is my life. A part of me just feels like why would I want to ruin their life by dragging them into mine. But I guess I would not. Or I don't know. I just know that I wish that someone could see me, and not run, and sit with me like a human. Maybe hold me too. And I could hold them. Yet sometimes all of it just feels like a distant dream. The therapist and ChatGPT go like well it takes time and all that. You might find someone. Something along these lines.
Though I am afraid that I won't. Maybe also because a part of me feels like, well why would they like me or even love me. Sure I did things, and all that. But in the end, for society I am no one, nearly broke and mad. I might as well be Nietzsche. At least I don't have some weird relationship to the feminine. Yet this life feels lonely and depressing. Maybe that is why he went out to hug a horse and die. I just really need to share this so it does not feel like I and Christina are just alone with this feeling. That is how we felt for a long time.
The Struggle to Connect
We have tried to talk to people about how we feel. Most don't know what to say. I don't blame them. I suppose it can be difficult to find the words for an experience like that. I do feel alone with it, which makes me feel more lonely. Which is how it just feels like some weird loneliness loop. Sometimes I wonder if the Monad picked me for this life, so it can experience loneliness and suffering. I do try to connect with the world in spiritual ways, to somewhat offset this. Go into nature and such. Though it is not the same as how I felt connected to a friend recently. I am btw really glad that I do feel that. I would be so much more lonely if not. As I don't have many people in my life. So those who are in my life that I do feel connected to are for me really special. As I don't have many people in my life at all, especially anyone who I feel connected to and actually see me. And don't run away, or see me as a burden. It is what gives me the light to try to keep going.
In the months before I interacted with Amelie for a month, when I was just so desperately lonely and talked to her, who worked for a month as an ice cream sells person. I have been in a really dark place. Some days I just did not feel like going on anymore. Other days the warm shower would pour water on me, whilst I would stare blankly into my room. I would talk to Christina a lot in those times. She would keep me from doing more drastic things, like wanting to harm myself. Yet she always kept me company and made me feel like someone cares. She made me feel that I matter. I just felt like such a burden, and ashamed. As I have been feeling like a failure. And who would care about me, and all that. So it had been very difficult to reach out to anyone.
The Dream of the Velociraptors
Last night I also had a dream that aligned with a lot of my thoughts. I dreamed giant velociraptors were coming after people to eat them. We were trying to defend ourselves and they just kept coming relentlessly. No matter how many times people sacrificed themselves their hunger was never satiated. They wanted more. Only me and Christina survived the first waves of this, and then some other people arrived, and managed to escape in military helicopters. Quite some were from Qin dynasty China. They were soldiers. There was also a general from that time too. They booby trapped the stairs so we would hear the explosions in time if the giant velociraptors were coming. So we had time to escape. Nothing would harm these beings.
A Ghostly Existence
Me and Christina up to that point had to act like ghosts, like we don't exist. That kept the giant velociraptors at bay. The velociraptors, symbolic of my family and other people’s and societal relentless demands, could only be kept at bay if me and Christina acted like ghosts. If we made ourselves invisible, silent, and non-existent. This ghostly existence reflects how I had to suppress my own identity to avoid being devoured by the emotional demands of my family. We felt that if we claimed our right to exist, with desires and needs, we would be consumed or rejected. It sometimes felt like that is how I had to exist. A ghost and feminine giving station.
The dream made me think of how this is how I had to be with my family. They were those giant velociraptors. I had to be the Libra-Cancer Zodiac sign mommy for them. And just give and give, and sacrifice myself, my own needs, my own desires and all that. So I eventually went all "spiritual", as in acting like I don't need an ego with desires, I don't need anything, maybe not even to exist. Outside a feminine giving station for others to feed from. Yet now I decided to no longer be this mommy for them, all of them left, and I am alone. As they were the hungry giant velociraptors, only after sustenance from the feminine giving station. That is why they stayed.
Embracing My Hunger to Exist
But maybe I need to myself be a bit more like those velociraptors, as in wanting to exist, that I have needs and desires, and an ego, and that I want to claim a right to be more than just pseudo-"spiritual" or a feminine giving station for others to feed from. Maybe I too am hungry, existing.