Finding Hope in an Unexpected Place

The importance of genuine kindness

Things have been tough lately, and I had been in a dark place. A while ago I started with wrapping things up in my life. Trying to finish my books, wrap up my YouTube channel and the last things in my life. Really because things felt overwhelming and hopeless, bringing up the feelings from over two decades before, where it felt like no one cared, that the world is just a cold empty winter desert. That any kind of genuine kindness, safety or that I even mattered was forever out of reach. This was brought about specifically due to recent experiences that brought me back down into the darkness I tried to climb out of the last years. Despite all the efforts I had done with healing myself, which really did turn things around the first time. After losing my family and the break up with my girlfriend. These things hit so hard it spiralled me right back into the darkness I worked so hard to climb out for years. And I did not feel like I had the emotional strength left to go on.

The Turning Point

In an attempt to overcome my fear of people and try to overcome the feeling of the world just being a cold place, I went for a walk. Where I stopped at a stationary ice cream truck. There I bought some ice cream and talked to this one younger woman. I had bought my ice cream and wanted to walk away, feeling that at least I could enjoy this. As I was still anxious of actually talking, to move past this barrier from my past. Yet something in me made me walk back. Where I talked to her longer. We talked about ice cream and just day to day things, and I ended up telling her about my past isolation and how I was trying to overcome my fear of people. She did not judge at all, but was so kind and understanding.

She encouraged me and when the storm came in told me I should find some shelter so I would not get sick. I told her I will be ok, and then just walked home in the rain. Though when I came home, I sat down on my bed and started to cry. For years I helped people online, young adults struggling with dark thoughts. Trying to give them the kindness I always hoped to one day find. Knowing how much something like that could mean. Yet for me this experience however small was meaningful.

Finding Hope

For so long I felt like my life was just filled with pain and what the point of it was. Yet when we first talked, and she showed me kindness, it gave me hope. It made me believe that there’s something still in my life worth living for. Her telling me to find shelter so I won't get sick is what gave me a reason to go on. To try. That she showed just the tiniest concern was something so starkly different to anything I ever felt in my life. It made me feel like someone finally after decades cared. That I finally mattered.

A New Feeling

Today when writing this, I cried for an hour about all of this, alone in my place, how her actions made me feel, that finally someone cared. After two decades of feeling so alone emotionally, in a world that felt cold and alone. Where it felt no one cared. Finally someone did. I just was sobbing non stop for an hour. And then finally I felt something new, something I never felt, it felt like a warm cosy blanket, soothing and calming. Like a warm hug that made me feel nice and relaxed. I felt safe. I felt since I was 5, unsafe in the world. I tried to tell myself these things the past years, that I care about myself, that I matter, that I am loved. Yet it felt like empty words, until now. Now her small actions did something that made me actually feel it. Which made me even more cry of relief. As I never felt this in my entire life before. And finally I did.

Reflecting Back on the Past

All of this also made me reflect back on my life. When I first saw Princess Mononoke I could immediately relate to San. For some time as a child I was much like her. Feeling thrown into the wild. Abandoned by those who ought to be there for me. I used to hide in bushes as a child, using my teeth to defend myself from others. Next to spending most my time away from people in either what felt to me my willow grove, next to the forest. Where as a child I played with my imaginary fox friend. Running through the woods and talking to the trees.

There were some moments where I spent some time with my sisters friends, but those were few. Mostly it was me going to the willows close to the graveyard. Where my friend was buried. Even though for me the world felt unsafe, for me some sense of connection remained with her. Even if she was sadly not alive anymore. Though to be honest for a long time with how people had treated me, I never felt human. Especially after things I was told in high school that associated me with dark and evil things. So when I saw San, her story resonated with me. How she felt also not human. Which made me feel understood in my feelings of “otherness” that I was often seen as. So in that light the young woman at the ice cream place was for me someone like Ashitaka that reached out, and showed that some humans can be trusted even in person. As for a long time only online connections felt safe, and those few I more clung to out of sheer desperation.

Yet now really coming back to this recent moment and what it all meant for me. After wandering through the world for so long emotionally alone, finally I could sense that someone cared. She even recently talked to me just like that without any need for anything specific. Just a simple conversation in person. Which made me feel that I did not have to be or do anything. It was nothing transactional or about wanting or really expecting anything. Just talking. Which gave me this feeling of finally being accepted for who I am. Finally. Which is all I wanted. To talk without expectation.