You are a treasure, Robin. A gift to this Earth. You are on the spear tip of life, creating yourself to be an explorer of your consciousness - a thing that 99.99% of the population literally cannot or will not do. It is lonely at the tip of the spear to be forging on despite the pain of loss and the all-consuming darkness that so easily enfolds us.
I believe that just the very fact that you are alive means that you are here for a reason that matters. You may not know this reason right now, but I know that you are inextricably connected with every other being on this planet and beyond. You are part of the web, whether dead or alive. But while alive, you have your inner gems which you are sharing here. You have your feelings and thoughts and consciousness to learn about and teach others about. You just being yourself and being this vulnerable about your experience is such a gift to me, and to perhaps more people than you can ever know.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the mystery Itself. Since I can't know it all and because the meaning I make up about it all seems so arbitrary sometimes, I have to surrender to the Great Mystery to really get my bearings again and remember that I am in the flow of what is wanting to be expressed and experienced right now.
You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to understand that you belong here and now. You deserve to be cared for by others. Your warm blanket of love and safety is ALWAYS with you, no matter what happens externally with others or not. I hope you reach for it often, dear one 🙏🏼
Hey Rebecca. For a long time that felt hard to believe. That I am. Maybe so. Yet it also feels lonely to be at the spear tip of life. That is why the girl I wrote about and her simple gestures of kindness and connection mean so much to me. Why those who do show some sense of kindness I see with great respect and gratitude. It is just that most my life, since I was little I had never had anyone show that I care or matter. So I felt for two decades uncared for, unloved, worthless, unseen, unheard and terrified of people in real life. For a long time after everything I have been through in my life and I had been treated and labelled as a child and teen as Himmler, gassing a certain people, to being feminine, acting "gay", being evil incarnate, or various dark primal behaviours being associated with me, I felt that somehow everything was my fault. So I tackled the entire Collective Shadow and trying to solve the Culture War and even wanting to solve evil itself. As it felt my responsibility.
Much like I lost the one and only person that had ever cared about me when I was 10. I could not do anything to help her. When she died in the accident it felt like I lost the one person that cared. It felt excruciating, as if I had lost both my friend and mother at the same time. As she made me feel safe. 😭 Now after 22 years for the first time someone made me feel that someone cares without expecting anything.
For me really the only reason I want to be alive for is to love. To love someone deeply for who they are. Not for what they do or can do, or any expectations. Purely for who they are. There is nothing else in live that I want more. Just to create a cocoon of love with someone. I don't want money, riches, any material things, knowledge, power or anything else. I have gotten to the point of knowing enough about the great mysteries of life. Maybe too much. Yet the true thing I really want is just to experience the gift of loving someone. 😭
I also want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment, and for being who you are. I much appreciate what you wrote. It is something I really needed right now. So thank you.
You are the one who needs your love. And, I hear that you need and desire much needed companionship as well. There is much pain and loss to grieve, especially the lost years of not having anyone there for you after your friend’s death. I trust that what you are seeking is seeking you. I trust that deep love is waiting for you here and now. It is here for you, whenever you are ready to receive it. The ice cream girl is proof of that.
Maybe so. Sure it would be mutual when I would. Yet I do know I have this deep desire to love, because I want it to be real and genuine. And I have the last years tried to love myself, yet really it does boil down to companionship. I crave that so bad. Well yes. I have been trying to grief all of this already for the past three years. That is all I would want. I know for one that I am ready to receive it.
You are a treasure, Robin. A gift to this Earth. You are on the spear tip of life, creating yourself to be an explorer of your consciousness - a thing that 99.99% of the population literally cannot or will not do. It is lonely at the tip of the spear to be forging on despite the pain of loss and the all-consuming darkness that so easily enfolds us.
I believe that just the very fact that you are alive means that you are here for a reason that matters. You may not know this reason right now, but I know that you are inextricably connected with every other being on this planet and beyond. You are part of the web, whether dead or alive. But while alive, you have your inner gems which you are sharing here. You have your feelings and thoughts and consciousness to learn about and teach others about. You just being yourself and being this vulnerable about your experience is such a gift to me, and to perhaps more people than you can ever know.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the mystery Itself. Since I can't know it all and because the meaning I make up about it all seems so arbitrary sometimes, I have to surrender to the Great Mystery to really get my bearings again and remember that I am in the flow of what is wanting to be expressed and experienced right now.
You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to understand that you belong here and now. You deserve to be cared for by others. Your warm blanket of love and safety is ALWAYS with you, no matter what happens externally with others or not. I hope you reach for it often, dear one 🙏🏼
Hey Rebecca. For a long time that felt hard to believe. That I am. Maybe so. Yet it also feels lonely to be at the spear tip of life. That is why the girl I wrote about and her simple gestures of kindness and connection mean so much to me. Why those who do show some sense of kindness I see with great respect and gratitude. It is just that most my life, since I was little I had never had anyone show that I care or matter. So I felt for two decades uncared for, unloved, worthless, unseen, unheard and terrified of people in real life. For a long time after everything I have been through in my life and I had been treated and labelled as a child and teen as Himmler, gassing a certain people, to being feminine, acting "gay", being evil incarnate, or various dark primal behaviours being associated with me, I felt that somehow everything was my fault. So I tackled the entire Collective Shadow and trying to solve the Culture War and even wanting to solve evil itself. As it felt my responsibility.
Much like I lost the one and only person that had ever cared about me when I was 10. I could not do anything to help her. When she died in the accident it felt like I lost the one person that cared. It felt excruciating, as if I had lost both my friend and mother at the same time. As she made me feel safe. 😭 Now after 22 years for the first time someone made me feel that someone cares without expecting anything.
For me really the only reason I want to be alive for is to love. To love someone deeply for who they are. Not for what they do or can do, or any expectations. Purely for who they are. There is nothing else in live that I want more. Just to create a cocoon of love with someone. I don't want money, riches, any material things, knowledge, power or anything else. I have gotten to the point of knowing enough about the great mysteries of life. Maybe too much. Yet the true thing I really want is just to experience the gift of loving someone. 😭
I also want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment, and for being who you are. I much appreciate what you wrote. It is something I really needed right now. So thank you.
You are the one who needs your love. And, I hear that you need and desire much needed companionship as well. There is much pain and loss to grieve, especially the lost years of not having anyone there for you after your friend’s death. I trust that what you are seeking is seeking you. I trust that deep love is waiting for you here and now. It is here for you, whenever you are ready to receive it. The ice cream girl is proof of that.
Maybe so. Sure it would be mutual when I would. Yet I do know I have this deep desire to love, because I want it to be real and genuine. And I have the last years tried to love myself, yet really it does boil down to companionship. I crave that so bad. Well yes. I have been trying to grief all of this already for the past three years. That is all I would want. I know for one that I am ready to receive it.