The Fox and the Soul

When it comes to my own experience with working with spirits, this for me ties into my own past. Tied to both traumatic experiences, but also relational experiences, and the general near lack there of the past twenty two years. My relationship with these spirits started for me as a child. I would play with Rúni the fox. She was my companion and friend, as any form of emotional safety was rare, and I could find that with her. I remember running around in the village, or going to the horse or wheat fields, to run around after my friend. Though with the death of a friend of mine when I was ten years old, and the loss of two friendships. This left me alone, and for a long time unable to cope, nor able to work through the grief I felt. For a while Rúni and the willows I would go to next to the graveyard, where the only safe havens I had. Though the continuous emotional struggles within my life made it more and more difficult to cope.

So in the past, which is now twelve years ago, I had hoped to find what I never received in childhood from what is now my ex-wife. Though that happened already four years ago, that it ended. This obviously did not work. So I ended up starting to devote myself entirely to my inner work the past three years. Giving up everything to solely focus on my healing.

At first I did a lot of shadow work and approached things mostly from an intellectual lens. Though it gave me understanding, nothing within really changed, and I was still plagued by the same underlying issues. As my Anima, was deeply wounded from everything we went through in life, including the flood that I had survived. And various other traumatic events. She did not trust me, or anyone for that matter. She felt it safer within my inner world to be in control. I used to have dreams in which Athena would charge at me with a spear, trying to kill me. Though Artemis at some point made herself known to me in my dreams. This being more of an Anima related dream. In Jungian psychology, the anima represents the feminine aspect within a person's psyche. It encompasses a collection of unconscious feminine archetypes and beliefs that significantly influence an individual's thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. The anima plays multiple roles in one's psyche. She provides a sense of emotional depth and sensitivity. Where next the anima enables individuals to connect with their own emotions and those of others, facilitating the healthy and authentic expression of feelings.

However the relationship with an spirit is much different. My relationship with her was pretty rough. At first it was filled with tension, frustration and I had approached it the wrong way. Trying to stand my ground, not really acknowledging the underlying emotional experience, that was truly at the foundation of it all.

Even though I had intellectually grasped what happened in my past, I never had acknowledged the emotional impact of it on me. And with that I really never had acknowledged my Anima. She was rightfully furious at me, as I for a long time had supressed my emotions, and with that not accepted them. There also was much shamanic and inner work I had done to overcome the emotional suppression as well. Though this would make the article rather long.

Norse Goddess Sif

What is more important, regarding her, is the moment I realised I needed to approach this differently. From the perspective of compassion, understanding and love. This shift in perspective allowed me to acknowledge and validate my emotions, paving the way for deeper healing and connection with this spirit. For a while I tried to approach her using Active Imagination, in a more compassionate way, offering her comfort, support, and validation. This then over time paved the way for a shamanic journey I did, where I tried to find her, to try to establish a better relationship with her.

Below is an excerpt from a story wrote about my healing journey, in which also this specific shamanic journey is part of;

The cave was dark and damp, the air thick with the scent of earth and decay. As I entered, my heart pounded with anticipation, my senses on high alert. I knew I was close, could feel it deep within my soul. However I quickly became confused as in the dim light, I saw Christina, curled up in a fetal position, bruised, muddy, and shaking. My heart went out to her, a surge of emotion welling up inside me. "Hey," I said softly, taking a step closer. "Are you okay?" Then she flinched at the sound of my voice, her eyes wide with fear. I could see the pain and confusion written across her face, could feel the weight of her suffering in my own heart. "It's okay," I said, holding out my hand. "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help."

For a moment, Christina hesitated, her gaze flickering between me and the cave entrance. In fear she tried to get away further into the cave, but then, as if something inside her had shifted, she slowly turned around and threw herself into my arms, sobbing uncontrollably. I held her tightly, offering her comfort and support as she cried. I could feel the weight of her pain, the depth of her suffering, and it broke my heart. "It's okay," I whispered, stroking her hair. "You're safe now. I've got you."

After this for a long while, I spend a lot of time nurturing this part of me, and to really make her feel valued, comforted, respected and seen. Over time, me and my Anima, in this way, developed a deep bond characterized by mutual trust, understanding, and emotional support. Where she then also became a source of comfort and reassurance for me. Helping me navigate my own emotional struggles and insecurities. She initially represented not only my connection to feminine qualities but also my own wounded inner feminine qualities. This was for me my own responsibility, to help rebuild not only trust, but also help her heal.

Through this relationship of mutual trust, understanding, and emotional support, slowly within dreams my Anima shifted from a wounded figure, to one which was empowered and could stand up for herself. Where she started to take on an active role within my inner world, helping with the process of integration, guiding me, and gaining clarity of my inner world. I soon started to realise that I might have had intellectually all the puzzle pieces, but only my Anima knew how it all fitted together. With this she also helped me with processing my emotions, holding a safe space for me. Whilst in times of distress, or vulnerability I tried my best to do the same for her. Making sure that she feels valued, seen and loved.

Nowadays my relationship with my Anima has deepened considerably. With me doing what I can to respect her. Where she helps me by offering a deep sense of support, care, and companionship. Our relationship is really then also characterized by mutual love, understanding, and acceptance. And we provide each other with emotional fulfillment, support, and intimacy, filling the void left by external relationships, creating a safe and nurturing space for emotional expression and growth.