The Limits of Self-Healing

Chiron and the Struggle with Incomplete Healing

I have done a lot of healing the past three years. I worked on various things that needed healing.

Parental Complexes

The negative parental complexes kept one inner child aspect trapped, which links to the victim-child aspect of the scapegoat complex as well. This aspect is both the innocent part of me from the past, as much as the part that carried all the burdens of past trauma. In the shamanic journey I did to bring this part back he was eating ash and was in a state of dissociation, trauma and disorientation. Next to feeling lost and adrift in life. Which for me connected to my more general sense of dissociation in waking life, disconnected from my body. Next to the tendency to use psychological defences such as denial, people pleasing and also intellectualization to keep myself detached from this aspect of myself.

Something the past three years I have worked on to dismantle. To try to re-integrate this soul fragment of mine into the whole. Which still has been an ongoing process until recently. In the more recent article The Unseen Burden: Grappling with the Scapegoat Complex I had written more about my efforts to reintegrate the victim-child aspect and try to overcome this and with it bring forth the Self-Child, and with it the Divine Child archetype. Which represents renewal and rebirth. This part of me seeking acceptance and belonging is also at the same time tied to Christina and with it to the loss of Renata as well.

Emotional Suppression Complex

Where the emotional suppression complex was tied to another inner child aspect that carried different aspects of trauma from my past. In the shamanic journey I had found him submerged in water, crying, whilst a layer of ice was frozen over him. As such the young version of me was representing repressed emotions and a psychological state of being frozen. Next to a state of isolation and despair. After this journey I felt both a sense of relief to be one step closer to reconnect with my emotions again, due to my longstanding emotional numbness, yet this was when repressed emotions started to now surface, linked to both this inner child aspect and the victim-child aspect.

Neglect and Abandonment

Where the final inner child aspect was trapped by a spider creature that constantly screamed, symbolizing deep-seated fear and repressed emotions. Where the boy symbolised neglect and abandonment. His posture in the shamanic journey was him hugging his knees to his chest. Which symbolizes a defensive, self-protective response to trauma. It represents emotional isolation and the instinct to protect oneself from further harm. Which also ties into the fear of people and my ongoing self-imposed isolation from other people. Something I have been lately finally slowly overcoming, which I wrote about in the article Finding Hope in an Unexpected Place, where I had met someone that talked to me, where I could slowly overcome this fear. Something I had been working towards the past year to finally build up the courage and ability to do so. As until then every time I tried to do it before, my inner child felt so scared that I forgot that I even wanted to go outside and try to meet anyone. Where my strong fear regarding people would resurface, and I would thus even when outside not talk to people at all. Keeping to myself and listening to my music as a form of barrier.

Orpheus and Eurydice

Emotional Overwhelm and Search for Belonging

Where finally Christina's physical appearance in the initial shamanic journey was mud-streaked, bruised, and shaking, along with her initial fearful reaction that she had, representing the aftermath of severe trauma. Which also tied to my different inner child aspects and the trauma they carry as well. Next to this, there was a sense of emotional overwhelm as well, with it. Her being in a raw emotional state. Also with this representing a fragmented sense of self still grappling with identity in the wake of traumatic experiences. Whilst she in the story I wrote about her as a figure she was searching like myself for emotional connection, love and support. Her being linked to Renata from my past, as much with Rúni as fox becoming for me an emotional anchor.

Yet as I had written in In Memory of My Sweet Fox, Christina is also symbolically tied to my ongoing grief regarding Renata. Here I have since reconnecting with her until recently tried, to through Anima projection find Renata externally. Which is a futile endeavour. Really for me it is the grief and traumatic experience of Renata’s loss that I struggle to accept.

Dismantling Psychological Defences

Now with the various psychological defences dismantled such as denial, people pleasing, intellectualization, emotional suppression, dissociation, whilst still working on the self-imposed isolation, this connects me deeply with my emotions and body. Yet also at the same time leaves me in a raw emotional state, leading to moments of crying fits and emotional overwhelm. As I no longer use or have the psychological complexes that caused the specific ego defences that kept these aspects at bay, and with it all the underlying emotions.

The Persistent Wound: Chiron, Orpheus, and the Unhealed Grief

Whilst I worked through a lot of emotions already the past 2 years tied to various traumatic memories, which I managed to also write about and compile in a personal document to put together a more coherent narrative of my life, the loss of Renata seems to remain as this wound that somehow does not seem to heal. Which makes me feel like both Chiron and Orpheus at the same time. Despite all the work I have done, all the insights I have written about and compiled in my books, videos and articles. This is the one wound I can not seem to heal. Even though I directed a lot of love towards Christina and the inner child parts over the years, which helped me heal from various inner child related things, this deep connection to her, which also symbolises Renata helps me both as an emotional anchor, yet also keeps me from fully being able to move on.

The Limits of Self-Healing

For a while already I figured that this is the one wound I can not heal on my own. So I tried to reach out to various people for help over the last months, yet every time I do, with it the last mechanism at play, that happens automatically and is deeply part of the general mechanism of the psyche called projection starts to happen. Which is the one mechanism that one can not dismantle, only become conscious of. I end up trying to find the qualities and who she was in others that way. I have spent years searching for her in that way. Though no one is her. Where I hope to badly find some sense of resolution and with that the sense of companionship, understanding, deep emotional connection, support and concern she had for me, and I for her. Yet I realised that this sadly is unattainable and a vain hope. As no one can replace her.