In Memory of My Sweet Fox
The Emotional Anchors of Rúni and Christina
In A Tale of Love and Loss I wrote about Renata and how great of a loss her death was for me. One thing I had not written about in that deeply personal article is how I used to call her. That she is my sweet fox. Which is why foxes are so meaningful for me. As it is a way to be close to her. I then also own a lot of fox related things. A little fox pendant and Fox socks. Next to this I also call my discord community the Fox Den. And created Ember the Fox who is a bot greeting people. And part of the server is the Floof room where people post fox pictures. These personal items keep her memory close to me in a tangible way. They serve as daily reminders of her and our bond, providing me with a sense of comfort and connection. It is really my way of celebrating and spreading joy, trying to honour the warmth and affection associated with my memories of Renata.
Rúni the Fox: A Companion Through Grief
Within a book I had been writing the character of Rúni the fox, who is connected to my Anima from a Jungian lens, are as much connected to Renata as well. For myself after her death, Rúni the fox became my constant companion. This was for me a way how the spirit and memories of her could continue to accompany me, providing comfort and guidance. Just as Rúni is a steadfast symbolic companion in my journey through life, Renata’s memory also despite her loss gives me comfort, offering me stability and reassurance during difficult times. She was in life someone who uplifted me and provided strength during times of need. Next to this she was also someone who looked out for me, and even in her absence, through this I feel that her spirit continues to watch over and guide me. In that way I am hoping to reconnect with the unconditional love Renata had for me.
Christina: Belonging and Emotional Anchor
Where in a story I wrote that Christina represents both the bond I shared with Renata, mirroring the belonging I once felt with her, as much as the hope to find that again in my life through her. To find this depth of emotional connection, love and support. Yet I have realised that since her death, I unconsciously tried to search for her in the world. To somehow bring her back. Yet I am realising that nothing can, which pains me a lot. Yet through the story and Christina I have been both expressing and honouring the deep, unspoken love and enduring bond I had with her. Christina really has been empowering me, and made me feel loved, confident and worthy of being again. Where Christina, as much as Renata, is this emotional anchor for me, even now, offering me support, care, and companionship.
My Enduring Love
I earlier today, talked out loud to Renata and cried. I told her that I miss her. How unfair it feels that we can't be together. That we can't be close anymore. That I miss her so much. Though for me the symbol of the fox, at least gives me some comfort. Knowing that this way my sweet fox is still with me, and not only my love for her endures, but as much her love for me does too. That in spirit she is still looking out for me and guiding me. Through this it is giving me so semblance of hope to go on.