A Tale of Love and Loss

The Heartache of Losing a Cherished One

Recently something in my life started to become much more clear. How in my past relationships and some others that resonate with certain qualities, there is something deeper going on for me. As there is a blend of qualities that bring forth something strong within me. That sense of intellectual curiosity, emotional sensitivity, artistic and creative inclinations, playfulness, humor, empathy, compassion, with an intuitive and honest, independent and Strong-Willed nature. I am intensely drawn to people with these qualities, or perceived qualities even. Yet what I after the last years realised is that all of this touches on someone from my past. Someone that was very special and dear to me. She was both a childhood friend and someone I romantically loved.

Remembering Renata: A Love Lost

Just writing about this, is bringing me to tears, because despite all these years that have past my heart still aches for my Renata. I loved her with all my heart, and the world took her from me. I still remember the day the accident happened, how helpless I felt. That there was nothing I could do to have saved her. For a very long time I cried at her grave, wishing it would have been me, and not her.

I had not only a deep grief about her loss, but also a very deep sense of longing and unexpressed feelings of love for her. It felt like my heart was both crushed and torn out, with the sheer amount of immense loss I felt. For a long time, I just pined away at her thought. Yet I also was deeply afraid to love again as well. To truly let my heart feel again. It felt for a long time like betraying her. Yet also I avoided love, even though I craved it intensely, as if I would allow myself to love, and not just be with someone out of a sense of mere companionship, an immense fear would grasp me. Every time the fear of losing the one I love would come up, as a spectre of the past. Making it so I felt such a fear, I would want to rush with telling my feelings. As not telling them would make me fear any moment they would be also taken from me. That I would lose them. Just as I had lost Renata, despite everything I felt for her.

Childhood Adventures and Shared Memories

To give you some context as to what from my earlier childhood Renata meant for me. As a young child I often would feel alone, unable to really relate to the other children, except a few dear friends of mine, one of which I felt especially close to. Renata was the butchers' daughter, a spirited and kind-hearted child with a contagious sense of adventure. With her bright eyes and mischievous smile, she was the embodiment of youthful exuberance. Her confidence and curiosity about the world often led her and me into all sorts of escapades. Despite her playful nature, smarts and wit, Renata had a caring and compassionate side. She was always quick to stand up for others and had a special knack for cheering me up whenever I felt down. Whether it was playing harmless pranks or sharing secrets, Renata was someone who made every moment unforgettable. She had a keen interest in horses, travelling and ships, often dreaming of faraway lands and daring adventures. Her imagination knew no bounds, and she was always eager to explore new horizons. Together, we would roam the village, getting into all sorts of mischief. Renata was the one who showed me what for me became my secret willow grove, a place where we could escape from the world and dream of grand adventures. We went there despite my parents not wanting me going across the road to that place. When years went by my feelings for her grew, which made me feel really close to her.

The Myth of Orpheus: A Parallel to Personal Grief

The only way I can truly describe how I feel, still after all these years about her, is much like Orpheus after he lost Eurydice. While dancing, she was bitten by a snake and died in an instance. Orpheus sang his grief away with his lyre and managed to move everything, living or not, in the world. So humans and gods learnt about his sorrow and grief. At a later point, he decided to descend to Hades by music to see her. Any other mortal would have died, but Orpheus, being protected by the gods, went to Hades and arrived at the Stygian realm, passing by ghosts and souls of people unknown. Just to see her one more time, and plead with Hades for her to go with him. Only a few feet away from the exit, Orpheus lost his faith and turned to see Eurydice behind him, sending her back to be trapped in Hades forever. He wandered for a while the earth, where he did not let himself love. He then finally played a mourning song with his lyre, calling for death so that he could be united with her again. Where Zeus decided to strike him with lightning, knowing Orpheus might reveal the secrets of the underworld to humans.

Memories and Mourning

For a long time in my life, I felt the same way. Even if I tried being in a relationship with someone else, the underlying grief, sorrow and unexpressed love, did not truly allow me to be with anyone else. For a while I remember feeling such a despair that I desperately wanted to join her somehow. Especially when times became rough for me. Often I would then spent time at her grave, mourning her, and talking to her. Just to feel close to her again, as for years on end, and even now, I miss her so much. I have never been able to comprehend why someone so kind, with a pure soul like hers could have met such a grim fate. Why could the gods not have taken anyone else. Why did it have to be her. And to be honest I am sobbing whilst writing this.

Aching for You
Like spring taken away by winter, with all of the beautiful flowers,
The world had taken you, the earth itself its sheer nature devours.
Like a ray of sunlight vanishing amid the great tempest of a storm,
My heart ached and pined for you, to be just reunited in any form.

You were like the blooming of spring, sparkling stars on a warm night,
Like a gentle white dove you captured my heart, made everything right.
Laughter, wit and smarts, adventures and joyful heart with such delight,
I would give up the entire world itself, just to once more see your sight.

Your eyes had always sparkled, with mischief and such tender care,
Your soul shone brightly, with pure compassion so clear and fair.
Your face, cheeks and ear, your nature so lively and endearing,
My love for you has staid very strong, not easily disappearing. 

For me you were and will be a flower so delicate and graceful,
After all of these long years, my heart for you is still faithful.
Like a great orchestra of life being silenced, it feels painful,
In my heart and soul, a fire still burns for you my dear angel.