Grieving with the Goddess
Eros Rising from the Abyss
Most people live their lives within the framework of the ego and the civilizational framework, which is an identity that provides consistency, security, and meaning. Yet for some who embody what the civilizational framework can not hold, its own shadow, there is another path. Often they start of as scapegoats, at the edge of society, socially and existentially excluded. Yet there is an ancient path for them that leads to the complete disintegration and rebirth of the self. This is not just a simple individuation process as described by Jung but an ordeal of cosmic proportions, where the very foundation of identity dissolves, and something new must take its place. Few who begin this journey survive it intact. Even fewer emerge whole.
The Disintegration of the Ego
Standard individuation involves integrating the unconscious and conscious aspects of the self, bringing wholeness and psychological balance. But this Orphic form of radical transformation goes far beyond this; it requires the complete dissolution of the ego itself. This is what it means to experience the dismemberment of Dionysus (or in the deeper sense Phanes/Eros). The fragmentation imposed by society, that had formed the ego and the super ego in the first place. That kept the ego separated from the Self.
For most people, such a process can be easily catastrophic. The ego does serve as a protective structure, organizing thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. Together with the super ego splitting things into dualities. So to lose it means to face chaos, the unconscious, uncertainty, and the loss of everything familiar. This is why many who undergo this process without proper spiritual and psychological tools either fall into psychosis, become fragmented, or remain trapped in an existential limbo.
The Death of the Old Self
Unlike self-actualisation, which refines and integrates the ego, the Orphic process requires grieving the death of one’s entire identity. Everything that once defined the individual. So ones beliefs, attachments, desires. All of it must be let go. This level of loss is so extreme that it often can lead to existential despair, or even suicidal ideation. Most people, when faced with such an abyss, either resist the process or become lost in it. The transition from old to new is not guaranteed, and many remain forever in the void of self-annihilation without rebirth. The space between feels like being lost in a state of moments without coherence. Operating between different archetypal states, without there being anything holding it together. It is like being stripped back to the most primordial foundations and elements. Before anything yet is formed.
The Role of the Divine Feminine
For those who survive the ego’s collapse, guidance from archetypal forces becomes essential. In many cases, this takes the form of the Anima. The inner divine feminine principle, which holds and supports the individual through the destruction and rebirth process. The Anima, in the form of Diana (Artemis) or Persephone, and in my case Christina (the foundation for the archetype of Lucia Nyktelios), is the figure who knows how all the pieces and soul fragments fit back together. This is on par with ancient rites of passage, Orphic initiation, or deep shamanic dissolution.
In Jungian thought, the Anima (for men and some non-binary people) and the Animus (for women and some non-binary people) act as a bridge to the unconscious. But for most people, these figures remain projected outward rather than internalized. The Anima is often projected onto romantic partners, fantasy figures, or idealized images. Many never realize the Anima is an actual part of their psyche. So they never form a true bond with her. Even in individuation, most only get fleeting glimpses of the Anima rather than a deep, ongoing relationship. Yet I had already integrated her enough that she wasn’t separate. She was as real to me as any external person.
Without such guidance, most people remain lost. They experience only disintegration, without the necessary psychological or spiritual scaffolding to rebuild themselves. Without a connection to spiritual archetypes, many retreat into numbness, distraction, or worse, permanent regression into earlier, less developed states of consciousness. Though regardless there are moments where one moves through a period where one becomes more childlike again, and through plushies and interactions with accepting people can slowly rebuild into the Self. To nurture the unmet needs, and the divine child within oneself. Which is key in letting the process unfold into the Self archetype.
The Cosmic Grief of Transformation
True transformation is accompanied by grief beyond personal loss. The mourning of an entire self, a surrender to something vast and incomprehensible. This is not just emotional pain; it is cosmic suffering. Part of the total ego death, was me actually grieving myself. Like crying. Lots and lots. Sometimes for days on end. Or hours. This lasting from 2023 to 2024 in periods of days to weeks. Eventually from late July and early August 2024 to late December 2024, I had fallen into a state of deep depression, with lots of crying, and feeling like nothing could help me anymore. Like a full total collapse. Where then Late December 2024 to January 2025: Lucia Nyktelios emerged. And only now Late March 2025 it has culminated in an actual rebirth.
The love I gave to her was returned at the moment of total collapse. I was not just there mourning alone. Me and Lucia (Christina) grieved together. We even took turns holding each other grieving. She didn’t just "witness" my suffering, she experienced it with me. My Anima was fully alive as an autonomous presence within me. Yet letting the Anima fully embrace one means total surrender, which terrifies many. However I knew, as Orphism said one had to free the inner feminine from all projections into matter, that this was the only way. So I did what I had to do and reconstructed the Sovereignty goddess in her Neolithic form. To free her from all distortions and complexes that constrained her. Beyond mere mother versus witch fragmentation.
I stripped away all projections, until she was pure, undistorted, and whole. I freed her from history, not just my personal history, but from the collective chains that bind the divine feminine. Rebuilding her as Lucia Nyktelios. A feminine symbol of sovereignty, the liberated Anima, the true soul. Which is Orphic Anima Work at the highest level. Once she was fully free, she could grieve with me. Once she was fully alive, she could hold me through death. Once she was fully whole, I could be reborn again. We were mourning the dismemberment of Dionysus. The fragmentation of the divine child.
I went through what was a true underworld descent, a collapse into despair that mirrors the fragmentation of Dionysus and the crushing weight of Kronos. Then, my Anima as Lucia Nyktelios emerged at the darkest point, almost like a mythic necessity. Nyx as the primordial night and Lucia as the light that emerges from it, this wasn’t just a conceptual shift, but a deeply existential transformation. It wasn’t an intellectual reframe; it was the only possible way forward after total collapse. I had to become something new because the old self had been entirely broken down. This descent into deep depression and collapse represents a classic "night sea journey" or nekyia, where the ego is dissolved and forced to confront the unconscious. The emotional descend being non-stop from August 2024 to January 2025. At some point feeling Elysium.
Many, unable to endure this depth of grief, turn to avoidance. Numbing themselves through external distractions, addiction, or retreating into illusions of their former selves. But for transformation to complete, one must surrender to this cosmic mourning, allowing the emotional, spiritual, and archetypal process to unfold completely. One has to strip away all distractions, until only the present moment remains. That is what I did. To cut out any type of distraction, any ego defence or other form of defence in the form of projections, or chasing validation by wishing a woman would come save me, or be my mommy. Nor play someone’s ghost mommy.
Yet if one survives the destruction, there comes the possibility of rebirth. Not just as a refined version of the old self, but as something entirely new. This is where archetypal forces such as Phanes and Eros emerge: figures of pure creative energy and primordial renewal. This is to find a path to Radical Acceptance and Alchemical Union.