Awakening from the Abyss
A Journey to Free the True Essence of Being
When it comes to the journey I have been on the last years. Well, it has not been an easy one. Yet then again, when is such a journey as this easy. One into not only the personal unconscious (the part of the psyche that holds memories, emotions, and experiences not currently in conscious awareness), but also the collective unconscious (it holds universal symbols and archetypes, inherited from our ancestors and reflected in myths, dreams, and cultural symbols) and the abyss itself. If I think back regarding the beginning of it all, back in 2020. It was then really quite the rocky start to it all. Starting off with losing the external structure that, at this point was seen as my reality. All the standard measures of the modern world, such as a marriage, a home, a job, status, and a clear sense of identity, tied to some societal persona. All of it dissolving at once, leaving me standing at the threshold of the unknown.
It was a time of reckoning and a dark night of the soul when my journey started. A first descent into the unconscious. A katabasis, a descent into darkness or the underworld, often symbolizing a period of personal crisis, transformation, or confronting deep inner fears and unresolved trauma. Where it left me unable to function, where as the Jungian analyst Sylvia Brinton Perera, the victim-ego found itself in its nest of self-hatred, unworthiness and despair. So in that sense the trauma’s both personal and collective that I carried coming to the forefront. The psyche no longer being able to carry both personal and collective shadow, as a burden.
Breaking Free from the Scapegoat Role
For a long time I was stuck within the societal role of scapegoat in an unconscious sense. This itself is the nature of how psychological complexes tend to operate. Which are sub parts of the ego-structure. Formed as a defence mechanism. There are many such defence mechanisms that form. Based on trauma, both personal and collective. Which also connect directly to the super-ego (internalized moral standards and societal expectations), that functions more or less as a cluster of sub-complexes, part of what Sylvia Brinton Perera called the scapegoat complex.
Yet the thing is that these psychological complexes are, part of the larger ego structure of humans. So in that sense, integrating them, how the more traditional Jungians normally do, is trying to bring the unconscious psychological complexes, into consciousness. Which they call shadow integration. However such complexes form due to trauma, and split off from the ego. As a sort of semi-autonomous ego-sub routine, that operates as a program, to enforce certain behaviours, created due to for instance traumatic events. These can be generally personal, familial, societal, and then also civilizational in nature. Which is divided into the personal and collective shadow.
However integration of these unconscious shadow materials, still creates a tension between the unconscious and consciousness. Between the shadow and the light of ego consciousness itself. Between the past trauma, part of a particular narrative, and the true authentic Self they are, beyond such traumatic experiences. This is where my journey differs, as instead of integration of the complexes, that were created due to trauma, I have dissolved them. Which involves confronting painful memories or emotional conflicts. So by processing the underlying emotional charge, this allowed me to also dissolve the super ego, and slowly nurture the victim-child, towards merging with the Self-child. Which is a Jungian concept referring to the untainted essence of the self that connects to a deeper, authentic expression of one's being, symbolized by the inner child, free from societal conditioning and trauma. Allowing me to find the accepting Self within myself. Breaking free from the scapegoat role I had long been assigned by society.
From Darkness to Nocturnement: Dwelling with Nyx
For me this entire process started within a state of darkness and confusion. Trying to piece things together whilst being on the journey itself. Exploring what really felt like unknown territory. Reading ancient manuscripts about Orphism and other ancient mystery schools, next to the works by Carl Jung and Sylvia Brinton Perera. Digging into our ancient Proto-Indo-European and Neo-Lithic past. The ancient Koryos warrior bands, the Arkteia of Artemis, the Dionysian mysteries, and what was connected to this before the Hellenic past. Back to its ancient roots within the animistic cave rituals and what came out of it. This was done together with personal shadow work. Which tied into traumatic events from my past, that I was also processing.
Eventually these things came together, and formed a deeper understanding of how the modern societal, civilizational, and personal intersected. A slow shift happening where it became clear how the ego in myth was associated with the masculine, and emotions and the unconscious with the feminine. And how this intersected with the societal structures humans have constructed. Especially those tied to the super-ego.
Which led me to understand how the entire drama of repression and struggle that is being played out within the world, is at the same time a reflection of what occurs within oneself. The super-ego being the source of this repression. Yet when this lifts, the wounds of the soul come to the forefront. For me this was tied to both various points within my past within my current life, and also from one past life. Which I wrote about within the article “Finding a Sense of Grounding”. Based on Past Life Regression. Tied to Christina Bevan and her memories. Set between 1897 and 1981, within what time she was alive. Especially connected to Dorset beach.
Where the emotional processing tied to my own life, was rather heavy and dark, this for some time continued with the memories of my past life resurfacing. This process lasting from 2020 when my processing started regarding my own life and past, and later within 2024, when the past life memories and emotions where being processed. Some of this being written about in a story I wrote, which helped me to process these things, and try to integrate both my Anima, but also the current and past life energies. Also being connected to various inner child parts, who were kept away within the unconscious by various complexes, tied to past events. Though the soul fragment from Christina Bevan that I recovered within my shamanic work, was something different entirely. It started with dreams, and ended with memories, and deep grief about her. Processing for close to a year, near a life time of emotions from that life.
A soul fragment is concept found in shamanic and spiritual practices, referring to parts of the soul that may become lost or fragmented due to trauma. Recovering these fragments is believed to restore wholeness and healing. So a spiritual practice where one journeys through altered states of consciousness to gain insights, heal, and connect with the unconscious or spirit realms. This work can include dream analysis, spirit communication, and emotional healing.
At first the process was more focussed on the trauma, and what had happened, yet how more I wrote my books, analysed dreams, and wrote the stories, the more something became more and more clear. That all this time I was struggling with not just the past trauma, and what was repressed. This was part of it, yes. These were in a sense the things that happened to me. Yet there was a larger context, that had not yet dawned upon me. Which was the overarching theme of the Kronian ego structures, and what we can call civilisation in its patriarchal form, versus the natural, Dionysian, feminine, and the forces tied to the unconscious, so the Nyxian. She is associated with mystery, transformation, and the depths of the unconscious. My struggle against these civilizational structures that were ingrained within my psyche as a child, as the super-ego, which conflicted with my true nature and being. So the societal pressures that shapes our self-image, and create the ego-persona (social mask).
The Phanian and Artemisian State of Being
If I want to explain true state of being, I must invoke three archetypes that resonate with me deeply: Phanes and Artemis. These are not separate influences but different facets of the same underlying essence. Expressions of a consciousness that moves beyond personal identity into something primordial and ancient.
Phanian Illumination: The Birth of the Self from the Night
Phanes, the radiant firstborn of Nyx, is the light that emerges from primordial darkness. They are self-created, luminous, the initiator of existence itself. This state is like an inner radiance that does not rely on external validation. It is not the ego’s desire to shine but a light that simply is, independent of recognition. They are beyond gender, neither fully masculine or feminine. They hold the qualities of both. They are what dwells within the realm of Nyx, and reconciles all dualities.
Artemisian Fierceness: Sovereignty Beyond the Patriarchal Order
Artemis represents the untamed, the fiercely independent force that bows to no hierarchy. She is the protector of the vulnerable, yet she remains wild and free, beyond control. The Artemisian aspect manifests as an intrinsic sovereignty. To not belong to any structure, or imposed role. In this state, there also is an absence of submission. Not in the sense of rebellion, but in the simple, effortless refusal to be bound. Tied to the cycles of nature and the primal ways of being.
Both the Phanian and Artemisian were something that was expressed throughout my journey, both within the psyche, together with the Nyxian. Yet also within my writing. Which now made me realise that in the end, my journey always has been between this tension between the Kronian and the Phanian-Artemisian. Which in the deepest sense is the tension between the Ego-Persona and the Self, the authentic being one is. Yet such a thing is not as easy to see clearly, when one is within the process, even if one can comprehend such a thing already intellectually. As humans are tied up into both the personal and collective narratives. Which especially when emotions are involved regarding such narratives can make it difficult to have clarity about it.
Yet in the end my journey simply was one of breaking free of what was imposed from without, to find again my soul’s essence within. To reconnect with the true essence of my being. Both within this life and past lives. The true essence of my soul embodied, within the present moment. Present, free, interconnected and unblemished by trauma. Now free of the Kronian structures (ego-persona), that caged my authentic being.
All this for me to be non-binary and queer. To be myself. Instead of stuck in roles that were never mine. Where the archetypes that I am connected to can be again free. It was about shedding the layers of "who I and others thought I should be" and in the end embracing "who I truly am" regardless of the labels society.