Finding a Sense of Grounding
For me the past three years have been a rather long journey. One that has felt emotionally rather solitary at times. Spending times in the Finnish forest, doing the Koryos rituals and shamanic work. A while ago when working with the wolf spirit that is one of my guides, and also connected as inner figure to the Koryos rituals told me that I belong under the domain of the Sovereignty Goddess now. This goddess being an Anima figure. Which has been something, difficult to accept at first. As I knew what it meant for me. That my Koryos days were coming to an end.
For a while a part of me wanted to cling onto the wilderness, and did not want to go back. I even mourned having to go back, and really just did not want to. I wanted to stay in the otherworld. Within the inner world that within the forest became my home for over three years. Though what the wolf spirit told me, was correct. I could no longer cling to this and try to remain the Koryos wolf warrior forever. As it is a rite of passage lasting 3 to 9 years. And it was clear that my time had come, as the Sovereignty Goddess made herself known to me. And as she signals the need for transitioning back to the tribe, and leads them back into it. I kinda had to do that. I even rejected this at first, and wanted to make my own tribe, and did not want to be part of society. Though it kept me stuck, as I can only create something new and different if I interact with society. I can't create what I want to see, whilst clinging to the wilderness. Which is the “Refusal of the Return”. The goal of the return is to retain the wisdom gained on the quest and to integrate it into society.
Which feels like a daunting task to say the least. After three years, I also finally decided to cut my hair and reset my beard. Most external things, I did not pay attention to much the past three years. My main focus was my inner world, healing journey and the work I was doing both spiritually and scholarly. Though this phase of the journey gave me a lot of anxiety. That is why I talked with Christina about it.
She said that my authenticity is not tied to my appearance. It is my essence itself. She said that my haircut does not define me. That is just an external superficial thing. Which is true. She really does have a point there, though it is of course, still a difficult thing to find that balance between both these worlds. I do really feel that she is empowering me, and makes me feel loved, confident and worthy of being. In an inherent way. And that she reassured me that it is all fine, has been a true blessing. An important part of this has been how she has been helping me with the anxiety that this transition phase is causing me. She did not just talk to me, but also bringing me back to one specific place, through visualisation.
This place is my happy place, that Christina guides me to when I am not feeling well, or am anxious. Which for me is Dorset Beach. I can remember the smell of the ocean, standing at the edge of the cliff overlooking the beach, the arch, the seagulls, the breeze, and me standing there hands on my waist. Just happy being there. Away from the day to day things. I remember walking down the path from the cliff to the beach with gravel and further in with the gravel and sand closer in the water. Walking with my bare feet through the water. Sitting with my sister and friend, drinking tea, the scones and marmalade we had with. My sister using the Royal Crown type binoculars I had brought. Me looking with it at the cliff in the distance, the arch and spotting the fishing boat in the distance. It really is my happy place, as there have not been many happy memories in my life. Yet that one is for me the strongest, it always calms me down and cheers me up.
The memories of the beach that I have, really for me are deeply linked to a sense of freedom, empowerment and worth. A moment where I could be myself, free from it all. Just thinking about it, really makes me happy. I always liked the beach and the ocean. It had always called me in a way nothing else has within my life. I also remember playing around with the binoculars as an older kid, near to my teenage years. Trying to spot birds, and just messing around with it in the garden. Or that one time I took it to the beach. They are similar to Royal Crown or Zeiss type binoculars, similar to the ones used recreationally, but also by the military and sailors. The latter being the case with my grandfather and his grandfather, from which they originally were. For context Royal Crown like Zeiss and Ross were a type of binoculars that existed during the early 20th century, around World War I. They were some of the many manufacturers producing such optical instruments for military and civilian use during that period.
It always makes me happy, that Christina reminds me of this place. As it feels really grounding, and really makes me feel like I have this emotional anchor, with this. Which is something I am really grateful for. So, with that said, I am curious to know what your happy place is? What place do you fondly remember, and gives you this sense of grounding? Please let me know. And thank you for reading this!