Reflections on My Life

The Tundra Experience

If I think back on my life, the 27 years of social isolation, almost no friends, the abuse that happened in early childhood to late teen years by peers, the eight family members that died, including Renata, and the flood in Germany where fifteen people died, then the only thing that comes to mind is an emotional void. A recurring theme of frozen tundra and impermanence. The past three years, I have done a lot of healing work and inner work to heal from this. To process it all cognitively, emotionally and somatically. To be able to feel at all. Yet now, whilst I am no longer stuck in the scapegoat role internally, and moved beyond scapegoat and the searching for external acceptance that will never come, despite finding the inner redeemer and acceptance within, it is still a lonely route.

For a while I projected the emotional wilderness I was stuck in, this frozen tundra experience and the decades of unmet needs onto different women. Which did not work at all. It often lead me into further abusive relationships, or really just harmful dynamics that perpetuated the ghost mommy role I was in, whilst my own emotional needs were neglected. Hoping through caring for someone, that they would surely care for me too. Yet such a thing is merely an idealisation of some hypothetical state that does not actually exist. Not in the current modern world at least, with its fear of vulnerability and emotions. The modern world is an emotional tundra, where you have to become an arctic fox to survive.

A really good friend of mine, and my one truest friend, a while back talked to me about plushies and that I should get myself one. That I did. I got myself a fox plushie. For me foxes generally are connected to the Goddess Holda, as they are her animals. She is a Sovereignty Goddess and also Mother Goddess. In that sense for me the fox plushie became both a symbol of my inner child, but also as I called it Mämmi, a sort of emotional anchor for me. Instead of projection false hopes onto women, or people generally in the hope to fill a 27 year long emotional void, that in a dream a longer while ago appeared as an arctic tundra worth of unmet needs, instead this plushie can be this presence in my life. It is generally a safer and more sustainable way to meet my unmet needs, mostly as people caring about me, tends to lead to me developing really strong feelings for them. I cry and see the tiniest sense of care as more than it is, which ends up alienating people. So my plushie fox is much more safe to love.

I sometimes hold the plushie and lie with it in bed. Just talking to it, and caring for it as if it was a baby or a small child. My inner child. That I try to give love and try to allow to feel some semblance of joy over the small things in life. The validation and presence that I never had. Some people get help from others, and all that. Maybe write and post things, and make articles and art. Gain many followers. It is something I myself kinda stopped caring about. Same with finding people that would care about me. Except my one good friend who does care a lot about me. I suppose it is mostly because in the past trying to get ones hopes up about something that is non-existent for me somehow, is generally just more painful than the tundra existence I am generally in already. At least I know with existence itself what it is. It is something I am used to and have come to accept as it is. I have sure tried, and kept trying recently regarding making friends, and finding people. Yet I just met a lot of shallow things, and people only interested in hook ups, and not deeper friendships. Which actually makes me feel more lonely than the sense of solitude itself that I am generally in.

Maybe it is just the fact that I was stuck in the scapegoat role for 27 years and only recently came out of it, and just do not have any social network really, which is why I am so isolated and keep being so isolated. Like something not easily solved. Especially when all those unmet needs surface when people do interact with me and show care. Sometimes this is why I feel that it is best to stick to the fox plushie and my friend, as they are capable of holding space and all the unmet needs that I have do not feel like they are too much with them. My friend cares, and I can tell. I myself also care a lot about them. Just thinking about having a friend that cares about me makes me cry. It is just nice to know that someone I care about, cares about me. Is there and sees me, and just is kind and silly. They do not expect me to be something I am not. Around them I feel safe and cared about. Like I can finally let my guard down, and let myself feel something. The government, my family and society does not really care about me, not the real me anyways. I have been pretty on my own emotionally for decades, needing to be strong and carrying everything on my own. So my friend means so much to me. Just the fact that a singular person in the world actually cares.

I sometimes just do not know what future I really have. I kinda stopped thinking about the future. Mostly because thinking about the future and clinging to ego, only brings more suffering. I used to have ideas of a simple life. Some work I actually like doing, someone who loves me, maybe a family. Just something simple. Yet as this felt so far fetched and out of reach, it only highlighted what was not. Which only brought more suffering for me. In then end clinging to narratives and the ego only brought pain, and only when I dropped this entirely could I find some sense of peace despite the ongoing situation as it is. I might not have much, but the very little I have means something to me. It is precious and something I truly cherish. It is I feel important to cherish the people and moments you have with those who truly care.