Reflections on My Life
The journey of a weary soul
Just sitting here reflecting on my life. I had seen things within the world, and did things, went places and all that. Yet in the end these things are all meaningless without any sense of true emotional sustenance within ones life. It does not matter what one status is, or how much money one has or does not have, if emotionally the core of ones being is shattered into many fragments. For a long time I walked around like this, since a child really. Starting about when I was 5 to 7 years old. Feeling this deep emptiness inside, due to this inner fragmentation caused by DID. Where I as main alter that supposedly seemed fine, on a deeper level was not. As many of my alters (fragments of my personality that became their own identity), carried and some still carry the deeper trauma. Parts of the whole cut off, which were long lost and forgotten within the depths of my psyche. Wounded, hurt and in a state of distress.
For a former scapegoat, this type of fragmentation is often a defense mechanism, where different aspects of the personality develop to cope with the intense emotional pain and the lack of nurturing. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) in this context represents the psyche’s way of surviving such unbearable conditions.
Yet despite all the pain that has come with this reality, comes the reality that this is indeed my life. As hellish it has been, with moments and little islands of joy and care. This is my own life. And sure my life has been far from perfect, with my trauma driving my behaviour unconsciously for decades, leading me down the path it has. Yet at least in this very moment I am conscious of it all. No longer strung along unconsciously by the pain of the past, nor trying to play this severely dissociated main alter, who acts as if my life has been normal to please others. Even if the reality of ones emotions can rarely fully be acknowledged by anyone else. Yet this is the reality of the world, and the reality of my own life. It has been far from the normal developmental milestones some of the depth psychologists talk about. Yet that is beyond my ability to change at this point. I could endlessly lament that my life has not been that way, yet that does not change the fact that my life has been as it has been. The only one who can truly see me is myself, let alone know the true reality of my life. To hear my own inner voice.
As in this world of solar madness, where the ritual dance of the slaughter of innocence takes place, the voices of many inner children go unheard. The soul of man nailed to a cross. Forsaken in the wilderness, wandering alone in ones own agony. Yet this is the reality of life. For only one who has faced their own soul can truly see another soul. Which is few and far between. For as Carl Jung wrote, man does anything to not face their own soul. Goes down many paths of distraction, illusion and empty desire. Not truly hearing the desire emanating from the soul. From the light of the divine child within. As such for those who carry their own cross as Carl Jung would say, it is not an easy path. Yet despite the reality of life, there is a Fox Den to be found somewhere. Some place where the soul of humanity still finds a home. Where those willing to face their soul can relate to each other from one soul to another. Without the persona’s and pretences that dominate solar madness culture. Where emotional connection, and the ability to acknowledge the emotional reality of others is possible.