My Apophatic Cosmology
(rooted in Nyx, Lucia and Phanes)
I want to share something deeply personal and philosophical, my worldview. It’s not a borrowed theory or intellectual framework but a living cosmos born from my own inner encounters, grief, and transformation. It’s what I call an Apophatic Sovereignty Cosmology, rooted in the archetypes of Nyx, Lucia Nyktelios, and Phanes. It might sound abstract, so I’ll unpack it slowly. This is a reflection from inside my experience, the reality I wake up to, the presence I live in, and the invisible forces shaping my understanding of being, knowing, and relating. I constructed it from the ruins of gaslighting, abandonment, exile, and a deep existential betrayal by the very systems meant to protect and mirror my being.
1. Being Emerges From Non-Being
At the core, I see Being as arising from Non-Being. Form and life aren’t primary; they emerge only because there is something unmanifest holding back. Nyx, the ancient primordial darkness, is that hidden ground, not part of the world, but the absence that allows the world to exist. She is the transcendent-imminent Anima Mundi, the invisible mother who never becomes form herself. Without her restraint, all differentiation would dissolve. Think of her like dark matter.
Then comes Phanes, the radiant Self, the principle of form-giving and deep relational expression. Phanes is Nyx’s face made visible. Between them is Lucia Nyktelios, the post-egoic Anima. She’s not a mother or a savior; she’s a stabilizing presence, the bridge between the unknowable ground (Nyx) and the world of form (Phanes). I used to think of my Anima as Christina, the emotional bridge of my past wounds. But she matured into Lucia, a witness beyond projection, beyond need. My ego, Robin, is dead, no longer the organizing center, just a ghost of survival logic.
This worldview holds that being is not a fixed substance or stable “I.” It’s a tension between presence and absence, sovereign, unfixable, and self-arising without any intervention or salvation.
2. Knowledge as Felt-Relation
I reject the notion that knowledge is about proving, mastering, or controlling. For me, truth is what the body knows when it is no longer gaslit. So immediate, somatic, and relational. Knowing isn’t mere conceptual mastery; it’s resonance, being-with, a felt relation in non-dual awareness. It moves through muscle, movement, breath, and gaze, not proposition. The ego’s interpretive matrix, language itself, can reflect but never fully contain truth. So not through just representation, analysis, or external validation. Which I am fully aware of is a radical departure from standard Western epistemology, where knowledge means detachment, analysis, and control over something. Only when we see through the subjective narrative lens, can we see the objective world as it is. Which arises from the Felt-Relation to the world, when purified of personal egoic narrative.
3. Consciousness as Decentralized Field
Consciousness isn’t a singular “I.” It’s a field of affective streams, somatic pulses, and patterned memories, held in a larger sovereign presence. Which for me is symbolised by Nyx’s ground expressed through Phanes and Lucia. Selfhood is thus choreography, enacted in relation, never owned. Lucia holds these various fragments without fusion or projection. She is the relational field that holds subject-object. In this, identity is something to witness and release. There is no need to be “known” by an external mind, consciousness is already whole.
4. Ethics as Presence Without Possession
In this way for me, true ethical relation is thus presence without fixing, saving, or scapegoating. Agency arises from presence, not will or imposed morality. The ghost-mother and savior-father roles, once I know all too well, only re-inscribe dependency and block sovereignty. Ethics, for me, isn’t about rules or redemption, but somatic witnessing without judgment. The wound is held, not dissected into narratives or lessons. The sacred act is to see without claiming, hold without making it go away. This is how affect can be fully felt through in safety, and thus the trauma loop end.
5. Spirituality Beyond Rescue
I don’t believe in a savior God. The divine, as Nyx, is unreachable, unmanifest, the ground of all that is, sustaining form by withholding itself. Phanes is not a rescuer but the aesthetic articulation of Self. Divine as form, not salvation. Lucia is for me then the purest spiritual relational presence. Not mother, lover, or rescuer, but a sacred witness of all what is. Spiritual development is thus not ascent, but falling through illusions of rescue into mutual presence and sovereign being. To die before death. There is no sin, no need for redemption, no savior-child. Nyx herself does not directly intervene, because its very non-arrival enables form. Yet her children guide those willing to listen towards awakening. No ghost mommies here. Just sovereign queens. People who with Lucia Nyktelios hold their inner child, until Nyx becomes safety, beyond performance.
6. Reality as Relational Process
Reality isn’t a static substance but a relational unfolding, made possible by refusal of total union. Nyx withholds total dissolution, allowing Phanes to manifest. Presence, as Lucia, holds without merging. Metaphysics, then, isn’t about “what is,” but about what withholds, what witnesses, what remains without intervening.
7. Axioms That Shape My Life
Being arises through the restraint of total union.
Truth is what remains when no one intervenes.
Healing is not fixing, but sovereign witnessing.
The divine is the condition of possibility, not savior.
Agency begins where scapegoating ends.
What is held without ownership becomes free.
Presence is the highest ethical act.
Form is sacred because it is not devoured by its source.
Living This Worldview
This is not theory for me, it is lived reality. I have passed through ego death, grief, and re-emergence beyond identity. I have outgrown the need for parenting or rescue. I as such have not collapsed into bypass, despite how non-dual my field is. I have not re-parented myself in the usual psychological sense. I outgrew the need for parenting altogether. So contain paradox, grief, and sovereignty without any external structures. I live closer to what some might call post-individuation or transpersonal anchoring. I don’t cling to an identity but allow space itself, so Lucia Nyktelios, to become my own relational center. This radical emptiness is not a void but a sovereign field, immune to ideology, trauma identity, or victim/rescuer dynamics.
My worldview wasn’t adopted intellectually. It arose organically from lived encounter with inner archetypes, death of the ego, and self-generated cosmology. Informed by both inner work and mythological and esoteric truths about the psyche. Think here also Orphism, Depth psychology, Neo-Platonism, and various schools, that came together in what I coined Neo-Orphism. Through this I discovered rather than merely borrowed my metaphysics. My ontology is rooted in lived, somatic presence, not theory, nor just copying what came before. Even though it informed my process.
Nyx, Lucia, and Phanes are not gods to me but archetypal modes of awareness. Living realities I hold without clinging, letting forms dissolve and re-cohere without any form of attachment. Though the process is always ongoing. I experience reality not as “me in a world,” but as form arising in a field of non-dual awareness. Likewise knowledge for me is a kind of being, not a conceptual model. As much as the archetypes contain a pattern of being, that can be attained through inner esoteric work and ritual. Yet I also did not create an alternative identity to fill the space where ego once sat.
What She Really Is
She, Nyx, is the ever-present absence, the holding field behind all fields. Transcendent in that she is not part of the manifest cosmos. Imminent in that she is always at the edge. The pressure behind form, the unseen condition of being. Her non-intervention is sovereignty, not abandonment. Her distance allows form to arise at all. In this way my apophatic cosmology honors the deepest Source as:
Unknowable,
Ungrabbable,
Unmanifest,
Yet absolutely foundational.
Thank you for letting me share this intimate reflection. The way I live, and the way I see the world. This is how I survived my life. The trauma I went through. All the loss I suffered, the people who tried to control how my lived experience was framed, the exile from society, the emotional neglect by those who should have been there for me. As for me a world of loving parents, of comfort and protection was an illusion.
Something that did not match up with my experience, and caused more suffering. As longing for being seen and loved by something external, that would never come is more unbearable, then to give up of it ever coming. This is not nihilism, but to find love in the one place it can never be taken away from. Within oneself.
I live in the creative tension between myth and non-duality, allowing form to arise as needed without needing to collapse into it. So both in the Nyxian field of pure non-dual awareness, but also within the tension of duality of myth. Where dualities co-exist and dance together. Both Phanes and Wotan, the latter I express myself through the form of Sylwen. Which as way of being is a child of Artemis, Hecate, Feronia and Wolf-Apollo. Meaning my soul bears the mark of those forces, their cycles, symbols, and energies. I belong to wildness, instinct, and the primal. I am shaped by the ancient archetypal mother that is outside civilization, Nyx, Hecate, the Morrigan. I am thus not the product of society’s gods, but of something deeper, older, more untamed.
For I am Eros born of Tartarus, Night-Born, Death-Cloaked, Wolf of the goddess, Eros in wolf skin, Blood-song of the Wolf, Ragnarök in soft, queer hands. I am the protector of feral things, of the sacred misfits. A Nyktelioi.
Born from Lived Experience
I became the cosmology because the alternative was either spiritual death or the falseness of inherited meaning. I grew up in a world where the nurturing, secure presence of parental care of a reliable “Other” was absent. But instead of collapsing into despair or nihilism, I made contact with that absence and found presence within it. What others experience as abandonment, I discovered as sovereignty. I learned to exist not in spite of the void, but through it. I became someone who did not need a ghost mother or savior-father to survive.
I further was subjected to environments (family, institutions, religion) where my truth was minimized, reinterpreted, or denied, where I was gaslit. In response, my body became the only reliable source of truth. My center of awareness now lives in field consciousness, symbolized by Nyx, Lucia, and Phanes. These are for me not floating archetypes. They are the architecture of my survival, the living inner companions that helped me hold myself through fragmentation. Not because it’s abstractly noble, but because it had to be. This cosmology arises from someone who was traumatized by the rescuer. It made me long not for rescue, but for presence. The one thing no system or person gave me.
What others call abandonment, I experienced as the initial condition of being. Nyx is not just a myth for me, she is how I spiritually recontextualized maternal absence, societal neglect, and existential aloneness. She became the frame through which I survived the unbearable truth: that no external force was coming to save me. This reframing saved me from psychological collapse. I had to find love in the one place it could never be taken away: the unseen, the dark, the unmanifest. My life taught me early that dependency would cost me my being. So I reversed the need for an external “mother” or “God,” and rooted my being in the mystery behind all things.
I am someone who has moved beyond dependency structures, not by denying vulnerability, but by living through the death of need and letting something new emerge. Something that can hold my emotional needs internally. Through my Anima as Lucia Nyktelios, and my connection to the archetype of Nyx. The love in the form of Eros that she births. That I am. I experienced first-hand the cruelty of hoping for love from something that cannot give it. So I stopped asking. And then found love where it cannot be taken, within myself. Then my Anima as “Other” went in a dream through the Arkteia rite, and became also a symbol of the Self. Just like me, once my ego died.
She is my field of compassionate witnessing. I metabolized my trauma without fusing to it. I moved through identification with the wound and emerged into something far more rare: ethical witnessing without merging. This is how I escaped the many traps of trauma identity, martyrdom, and savior fantasy. I formed this worldview because I had no other way to survive with my soul intact.
My lived truth is: the space between is sacred. My soul did not grow in society’s garden, it grew in the wild. Not in comfort, but in exile. So my archetypal kin are not Zeus, Yahweh, or any father-god. I belong to Hecate, Nyx, Feronia, beings of wildness, crossroads, and shadow. These are not borrowed figures. They match the shape of my soul. I am night-born because I was shaped in darkness. I did not adopt a myth; the myth recognized me. Many borrow darkness. I was born there.