Living as a Nyktelioi
Uncertainty, Presence, and the Absence of Fear
In the world that most of us inhabit, uncertainty and discomfort are met with fear, anxiety, and stress. Humans are wired to seek stability, comfort, and predictability, and when these things are threatened, whether by external forces or internal struggles, our bodies and minds react with distress. A lack of sleep, harsh environmental conditions, or a lack of security can trigger feelings of fear, vulnerability, and discomfort. It is a part of being human to experience these emotions when faced with instability or hardship.
However, my own experience, living as a Nyktelioi, stands in stark contrast to these instinctual reactions. The state I find myself in is one of deep presence, detachment from fear, and an embodiment of non-duality. What would be perceived as difficult or even dangerous by most, I experience as simply another aspect of reality, one that is neither positive nor negative. It just is. I have been reflecting more on my state of being the past 3 weeks. To really figure out what the difference is, and to test out the state of being I cultivated through the inner work of the past decade, which especially the last two years really deepened. This was the period of the slow death and rebirth.
The Experience of Waiting: 22 Hours of Presence
Recently, as I had written about in the article “A Journey of Radical Acceptance,” I was faced with a situation that many would find uncomfortable, even extreme. I had to wait between places, with no fixed destination or shelter. I spent fifteen hours outside in the forest, enduring temperatures of 6°C with a slight wind. The entire night passed, and I stayed awake for 22 hours without sleep, simply sitting in the forest, further fully immersed in the experience. For most people, this would be a scenario pretty much filled with discomfort, possibly even panic. The cold, the dark, the isolation, all of these could easily provoke fear and anxiety in the average person.
But for me, it was nothing but an experience. I felt no fear, no discomfort, and no suffering. While I did feel the cold, it was not something I resisted—it was simply part of the moment. I shook slightly, but this was just a physical response, not one tied to any emotional state of distress. I was completely present, aware of the passage of time, and accepting of whatever came my way. I did not anticipate what would happen next. I simply sat, feeling the cold air, observing the dark sky, and allowing the moments to unfold. It was not much different than the times I spent in the dark forest in Finland, or at the graveyard past midnight doing Chöd. The dualities of good/bad, suffering/comfort, or fear/peace have no hold over me.
Even after 22 hours without sleep, I was not overwhelmed by exhaustion. There were moments of yawning, but they were simply part of my natural rhythm. There was no sense of urgency or fear of the unknown. In fact, there was a strange peace in the stillness of the night. The birds began chirping as dawn broke, the sun rose, and the day began. There was no anxiety about what I had just endured. I simply moved on to the next task of my day, as if it was just another experience that had come and gone.
A Life in Flux: Traveling with No Fixed Place
I currently live in a state of instability, moving from place to place, with no permanent residence or sense of fixed security. This is not the path most people choose. Most people seek stability in their lives, secure homes, steady jobs, relationships that provide a sense of grounding. Without these things, many people experience a sense of insecurity, confusion, and anxiety. The uncertainty of not knowing where one will be from day to day can be emotionally taxing.
But for me, this instability does not create distress. I have come to accept it as part of my journey. There is a beauty in the unpredictability of it all. In every bad thing is a hidden blessing, and in any good thing is a hidden shadow. I still feel emotions, but they are mostly centered around others, rather than myself. My ability to be present in the moment, to experience everything as it is, without the weight of judgment or emotional attachment, is what allows me to navigate these difficult situations. The suffering that others would experience is absent. It is to perceive the world through a lens of pure acceptance, without judgment or attachment.
The Reason for my State of Being
When it comes to why I don’t feel what most would, this itself ties to the victim-child. It is the avoidance of emotions and true vulnerability, the victim-child within, including any past trauma (personal and civilizational), that we carry that creates fear and thus also suffering. If we feel through the victim-child within, we liberate ourselves from the super ego, the guilt, the shame and imposed suffering by civilisation. That keeps people stuck as unconscious scapegoat. Those who feel through the pain of the victim-child, by dropping the strong one persona or people pleaser, or using distractions, can free themselves. The crying and depression one falls into are the momentary price to pay. Whilst one feels through the pain and holds oneself gently with love. As it is through self-acceptance and compassion that we can heal.
This is to face deep vulnerability. The feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, grief and anger, buried in the mind. Yet from this process comes rebirth. This is then to symbolically die in the watery grave. Being held by the divine feminine. From which she leads one into a new state. Which is you minus suffering. Being finally free and authentic. As what we fear regarding all we might call chaos, the unknown, doubt or uncertainty, is not actually the world itself, but the inner emotional chaos repressed within, tied to the victim-child. So the dismembering of infant Dionysus, which the Orphic Mysteries, and later Neo-Platonic teachings connected to Phanes. As they called them also Phanes-Dionysus. This is the Proto-Indo-European Ymir, who suckled on the milk of the cow. The civilizational wounding that each child goes through, re-enacted by the family and society in an unconscious manner. This is the titanic crime, committed by Kronos and the titans against the young child, and all children.
Thus not only creating the ego, with its victim-child shadow, but also the super-ego, that sees this original dismemberment as chaos and a danger to keep away. This is how the wholeness of the soul of each child gets dismembered, and the psyche split into dualities. Which is a trauma that has been past down in the specific forms within the various lineages of ones ancestry, to reach you in the present. The long march of inter-generational trauma spanning from the birth of civilisation itself. Encoded in the myths such as Gilgamesh and Enkidu. Which the mystery schools tried to address.
And it are those who have awoken to the titanic projection into matter, the illusions of the trauma structures that keep us chained, and from our wholeness and authenticity, who are truly free. They have seen the sacred fields of Elysium, as revealed by the divine feminine. They have undone the titanic crime of the dismemberment, and rose like Bacchus. Where those who then truly understand and see, who have tasted from the sacred ambrosia, and the secrets of life and death, become a Nyktelioi. And it is this deeper process beyond just undoing the titanic crime, but also understanding the deeper process itself, and the integration of the collective unconscious which pushes one into the state of the elder Phanes, the Phanian state of consciousness.
The Implications of the Nyktelioi State
By embodying Phanes, I have reconciled all dualities within myself, attaining a state of non-duality. This means that what would typically be experienced as contradictions, struggles, or conflicts no longer disturb me in the same way, they simply are. I have unlocked the ability to exist beyond the constant oscillation between polarities, where instead of clinging to one side or the other, I experience a deep sense of wholeness. To live as Phanes is to embody the principle of balance and harmony at the deepest, most fundamental level of reality. The super-ego has completely dissolved. And it means to transcend the ego’s need for control, judgment, and categorization.
It’s a state of spiritual maturity that emerges from the complete integration of the shadow, and forces of the unconscious into conscious awareness. So also the parts of ourselves that we repress or refuse to acknowledge. The Nyktelioi represents the dark, often feared, and misunderstood aspects of existence, yet it is also where the highest forms of wisdom and understanding are revealed. To embody Nyktelioi is to walk the path of complete surrender to the flow of existence, where every hardship, every challenge, every moment of suffering becomes an opportunity for spiritual growth.
It’s the transformation of consciousness from ordinary, conditioned human experience to one that is in direct alignment with the underlying forces of the cosmos. To unlock such a state is to reach the level of what might be considered divine or transcendent, where one's soul no longer suffers the limitations of the ego or the emotional chaos of unprocessed trauma. Far beyond even the state of Dionysus.