In the Quiet Moments
The Sacredness in Life’s Fleeting Beauty
I have this feeling in an embodied and on a deeply felt emotional and spiritual level that is difficult to put into words. It is one I had before recently. I see Renata's face in my mind's eye and it brings tears, both joyful yet sad. Just how the world and what we have in the world is both so fragile yet beautiful, but peaceful. Life's impermanence and the preciousness of the simple, meaningful things we often take for granted. A realization that while everything is fragile and transient, it is also incredibly beautiful. Which is something I don’t know but feel in my body, in my heart, and in my soul.
That the most beautiful things in life are not things. They're people and places. Memories, feelings and moments. Smiles and laughter. It gives me this feeling of just wanting to sit outside, without feeling any need regarding pursuing anything or worrying about all the things beyond my control. Just to sit, to connect with the essence of life; the people, places, memories, and moments that make it rich and fulfilling. That these moments really are all we have.
The quiet moments we so often overlook, in the way we chase things, want to do things that are beyond what we can truly control or make happen. Just instead feel and appreciate the small, quiet moments of life. As life and all in it is is like a delicate flower, something precious and ethereal yet fleeting. There is a sacredness in all things. Where I just feel a deep sense of peace, and embodied calmness. I already had for an entire year an absence of mental chatter, and just being in the moment. Yet this feels much different. Deeper and more embodied. I feel really when it comes to life it is about seeing the world not just with our eyes but with our soul.
The entire realisations I have made regarding the Monad and what lies beyond Order and Chaos, also at the same time lead me to this realisation of Life and Death. How despite the sorrow of losing her, there is also a preciousness in the moments we shared, we had together, despite it all. Even if this, like life itself this is both fragile and beautiful at the same time. It is bittersweet in a way. Even though I will never find her in this lifetime, and her absence leaves this wound in my heart that does not fully heal, it is through the feeling of love itself that we are still connected. As my love for her never arose from any other place than my own heart and soul. Love itself is eternally present with me. My love for her, her love for me, and the love of the divine itself.
I was also later thinking and lying in bed, and I saw Renata again. In the golden fields, waiting for me. It gives me a sense of peace knowing that about her. Yet also for myself and my own death. My situation as it is does not progress in this earth much. Despite my efforts. Though I keep trying, the potential of me dying is possible. Yet it no longer causes me fear. More a sense of acceptance and peace about it. At some point my time would come. I just feel that if my time comes, I'll be with her in the golden fields again. And it is not just belief or knowing, but a felt sense. Like a warm feeling arising from my heart, and a sense of being held. No matter which way things go for me as a soul, it will turn out alright. And maybe for this old soul there is not much more to be done in this world. Maybe just enjoy the time I have.